National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
I have had depression my whole life. As a teenager I was placed on several different anti-depressants, one at a time, to try to control it but none helped. Since that time it has been found that many of those same drugs contributed to teen suicides. I hated those medicine because they dulled my creativity and my ability to communicate. I couldn’t even think about how to tell people how depressed I was. during this time I had a few times where I considered suicide. every time I contemplated it though I saw a vision of my friends mourning me and couldn’t think about it any further.
I had a period of time where I wouldn’t eat, my school friends got me through that too. They practically forced me to eat lunch at school. One of them who was most insistent about the food was the son of a pediatrician. He was also one of the few who saw just how depressed I really was in high school. Several people saw that I was unhappy but they didn’t know how unhappy. I lost a lot of weight my sophomore year but still felt huge. Looking at the pictures several years later I looked like a dang stick, but, by graduation I had gained about half of it back. I had about 2 dates in high school one was when I was so thin, to the Christmas dance sophomore year, the other was to senior prom. Both guys were friends from church who went probably because they could see how desperate I was getting after like ten rejections for each dance.
My dating life didn’t get much better for the next year or two. A co-worker set me up around Valentines day with her younger son we went out twice, I was having a bad day at work ( had dumped and broken a case of soy sauce all over my pants) and had not slept well the night before so I was a bit grouchy when my co-worker pages that I had a phone call so I took it in the back room. It was her son, he dumped me (I didn’t even know we were a couple!!!!)because he added insult to injury I bawled. His mom saw me, she was PISSED! She reamed him out because he had called me at work when I was already having a bad day and dumped me, and since she had answered the phone he had made her a part of it, so he got in trouble for that to. Now, not that I needed her defense, it felt good to know that she was on my side even if I didn’t really care that he had dumped me it was just his timing. Also, went on a date with my college roommates ex (found out later he was her ex). Another way too long disastrous relationship with an older guy who probably even now 6 years later still lives with his parents ( and doesn’t have a “real ” job)he was almost 30 when we broke up for good.
Since that time I have gotten married, given birth to two sets of twins, and accomplished one of my childhood dreams of having something that I wrote published. I had that first article as my computer background for a month, I was so excited. I also have started an internet based chocolates and gifts business. I make all the candy fresh to order, and design gift baskets some for permanent products, some for seasonal items.
While I still battle depression everyday, WITH OUT medication, I have many things to look forward to. my son and three daughters are all a handful and all but the oldest are special education students. I get frustrated often but I love them with all my heart. I use my writing and chocolate making as a release from the “real” world the same as many people use sports or video games, but I have also learned to be resourceful enough to try to earn money from my recreation. It has come in handy more than once when we needed something for the kids and were between paydays. Life with depression is a struggle but I’m getting there.