National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
The day my daughter was born was the best day of my life. It was also the start to the worst days of my life. The feeling of hate towards myself became to much for me to handle and eventually by driving my car into a telephone pole.
I never imagined that I would become one of those that suffered from postpartum depression. I always imagined that people that have postpartum depression are usually in a bad situation and just can’t cope with life. I guess I always figured that postpartum depression was an excuse for not wanting to take care of your kids or yourself. I was wrong.
After the birth of my third child in November 2007, I started falling into a depressed state. I was about having to go through the postpartum period and just wished that my body would return to normal. I should also mention that my third child was what you would call an “Irish Twin” as I had just given birth in January of the same year (yes, I have two children that was born in 2007).
I never once took out my frustration towards my children, but I took it out against my husband and myself. I often found myself starting arguments with my husband for meaningless reasons and spent most of my time laying in bed crying for no reason. I hated myself and I hated being on this earth.
The depression grew worse as time went by. Within a few days, I was to the point to where I did not want to get out of bed. While my husband worked, I would lay in bed with my two youngest children and allow my oldest son to play in his room. I had no desire to get out of bed to cook, so my oldest child would eat junk food such as chips or crackers. I did not want to get out of bed to fix a new bottle for my two youngest, and would often have them share a bottle if one ran out.
All I wanted to do was die. The feeling that overcome me was something that I can’t describe. It felt as if I gave up and was just waiting for my number to be called so I could leave this world.
The day that I hit rock bottom was when my husband and I got into an argument. He decided to leave with the children while I remained at home and calmed down. Needless to say, he had no clue what I was going through and I now have learned that he had no idea about the way I was feeling.
After he left with my children, I decided to take a drive.
While I was on the road, I remember thinking about how I failed as a mother and how I should not be allowed to live. I remember saying “Please help me” and within a split second, I spotted a telephone pole in front of a business and drove directly into it.
As a result of my action, I ended up getting the help that I really needed. I learned that – either you can be against your children or you can be against yourself I was lucky – my form was against myself.
In review, Postpartum Depression is real. It’s a real issue for women around the world and should be screened for constantly. It is important for everyone to know the warning signs and to immediately seek help if you see any changes in your personality. Remember, your children and family need you.