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My Lifelong Struggle with Depression
Depression is something that I have been struggling with my whole life. It did not mattered what I did; who I talked to; or how much I prayed; in the end depression was still there; haunting me; torturing me like a wounded soul trapped in its own created cage.
For years I have been doing everything I can think of, but the nightmares of my past still lingered on. Why could I not get away? Why did I always felt different from those around me? I can smile, laugh, cry, and go about my life as any normal person, but inside I am exhausted from the ever measuring of what right amount of portion I should hand out so that no one suspects my true ways.
I know that 6 out of 10 people suffer from a form of depression. Some are debilitated by it, and some are still able to function. Those that cannot are put on medication or send away to a hospital. I may be one of those unfortunate ones, but I fight them and myself. I refuse to be just another statistic on constant pill control.
I have survived it all; rape; suicide; beatings; loneliness; death. I hate them all. In therapy they try to teach you to be happy about your survival. They say “it is not your fault”, “Don’t give up”, but I wonder if they really know what it is like to live like I do; the pain that is felt deep in my soul. The endless cries that threaten to destroy you.
I have two beautiful children. They look up to me and they love me. I wish I could return such love and devotion. I try to, but how can I give them a whole of myself when I only possess less than half. They are cheated and deceived by me. I love them. I loved them with every inch that I have, but it is just not enough. Every day I see the effects on them because of my lack of wholeness. There are days when they want me to be their mother and I cannot even bring myself to look at them. I cry. Lock myself up within myself, but how would they know that I still love them when all they see is momma pushing them away.
I wake up, and must fight with myself to get out of bed. My body hurts and I dread the day that lay ahead. I force myself to look in the mirror and try my best to seem decent for society. After I am done I get in my car where I am alone for a half an hour during my drive to work. This is the hardest because it is here where I can feel myself braking apart inside. I pray to God for guidance, but still the pain is still there. I feel as if I need to scream and cry but have no reason why. I play my music usually those that are sad where the person is trying to repent for not being there, and I sing the words, except for me I see the faces of those that I love and those that hurt me and I them, and I wish that my voice could reach them so that I may feel free. They never do. Once at work I must smile. Sometimes my tactics fails me for even though I act happy and giggly some people still see a sadness that is constant in my soul. I then lie and deceive them by conning them into thinking that they are wrong. By then I hate myself even more. I get home and walk through the door where I see two beautiful children full of joy to see me, and I love them. With a hug and a kiss I satisfy their wants, but then I feel alienated again. I know that I must distant myself so not to let them feel my desire to run away; to disappear from them.
Depression has consumed my life. No one can really understand what each of us feel or go through; no, not really. Each of our situations was influenced by different ways and path in our lives. I wish for freedom; always have and always will. I will continue to fight myself from dust to dawn and back again to remain as normal as possible. But no one can ever truly understand the pain it is to just breathe. Thoughts never cease. Thoughts never rest. And I never seem to reach what I long for the most.